


Nothing's in our way

by lemonhopia



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Story spans from High school to college
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-06-03 15:57:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19467274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonhopia/pseuds/lemonhopia
Summary: Sometimes it takes an instant to realize you're in love, sometimes it takes years, and sometimes you never realize it at all until the one you love is no longer within reach.Or that one where Jae and Wonpil have been best friends for so long, and it takes years worth of laughter and tears to get their hearts to fall in sync.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from: Crash - You Me at Six

Most people will have clear recollections of when they started falling for someone. But for me, I’m not sure. Have I been in love with Jae for so long that I didn't even notice where I crossed the line? That is, if there was even a line at all, or the crossing happened so gradually it was barely noticeable.

As far as I remember, it hasn't always been 'love', or at least not in the form I currently know it.

Maybe it was that one spring back in high school, the sullen look on Jae's face still vivid to me after all these years. It was the look I swore to never give him. That's what love is, I guess, I just didn't realize it at 16.

I remember huffing and panting as I ran several blocks to the park where I found Jae seated on a bench alone, so out of place in a place full of couples and families and friends, a place surrounded by love. It only took one text. Just one message and I'm putting on shoes and bolting out the door. He didn’t have to tell me what park he was at, not even where he was seated. I knew because it’s our favorite spot.

”Pil, she didn’t show up,” He didn’t need to look up for me to know how heartbroken he was. I heaved a sigh as I took a seat next to him, listening first before making a move to comfort him. ”I’ve been here since morning like we promised,”

There are probably no words I can say to make him feel better so I did what I can do best. I took his hand in mine and let his head rest on my shoulder. Knowing Jae, he wouldn’t cry in public and he’s just holding it all in.

”You’re supposed to be celebrating 6 months today, right?” He only nodded. ”She doesn’t deserve you, you know that,”

”I don’t know Pil, I still don’t wanna lose her,”

 _But you should._ The words got stuck in my throat, knowing I don’t have the right to say that even if he’s my best friend.

”She keeps doing this, Jae, don’t you think you’ve lost her long ago?”

Jae only answered with a shaky breath. I didn’t want to think of his dejected expression, knowing I’ll be the one who will end up crying if I do.

I tried to focus on calming him down. Pink petals fluttered all around us, the cherry blossom trees in full bloom, making the surroundings look so dreamy and ethereal. If it weren’t such an unfortunate situation for Jae the scene would have been so perfect. I shook the thought out of my head. How could I think about myself when my best friend is suffering in the hands of another? I didn’t know what to do. After all, I’m just his best friend.

All I knew was that I wanted to be the one making him smile.

The next morning, he barged into my room straight to my bed like it was his, a wide smile plastered on his face. He hugged a pillow to his chest as he started talking.

”We’re okay now, we talked last night,”

How do I respond to that? I’m happy he’s smiling again, but for how long? How many times do I have to watch him fall in the wrong person’s hands before he wakes up?

I laugh to myself. Wrong person, huh? I doubt I’m the right one.

”Again? But you two are always like that, she keeps pulling shit like this then you’re crawling back to her after one apology,” I rolled my eyes and went back to the notes I was revising. I didn’t mean to sound mad, but it hurts to see him so giddy one day only to be hurt again not very long after. How many times will he fall back into that cycle before he realizes it’s not okay? Jae might look like all jokes and laughs on the surface but he’s really a good-natured person. Always has his heart in the right place, even when people are taking advantage.

”Ah, Pil, you just don’t know how love works,” Jae chuckled and ruffled my hair. Always so optimistic and forgiving for his own good. ”Everyone goes through a lot of shit, you don’t just let go after a fight,”

”That’s dumb, you’re only hurting yourself,”

”You’ll know when you fall in love too,”

Yeah. He’s right. I didn’t know how love works. If I did then I wouldn’t be so hurt and confused.

We were already approaching our sophomore year when he broke up with Sara after she cheated on her with a senior from the football team. I knew something was terribly wrong when Jae showed up at my bedroom door, eyes bloodshot and stare blank. Unlike me who bursts into tears so easily, Jae was more resilient and composed. He climbed into my bed wordlessly, shoulders shaking and voice cracking from crying so hard the moment he buried his face into my pillow.

”I did everything she wanted, was I not enough? Is there something wrong with me?” Jae choked out between sobs. ”I loved her, I really did,”

I don’t know what took him that long and how they let things get to that point. Ever since they started dating, she has been treating Jae like shit. Making him wait for hours on dates, sometimes not even showing up at all, randomly ignoring him for days on end even if they went to mostly the same classes like Jae was a nuisance to her, I’ve seen them all. But as much as I wanted to say ‘ _I told you so’_ and _‘What did you even see in her?’_ , I wanted to be a friend first. I’m not here to make Jae feel even worse about something that’s not his fault.

I didn’t want to be right, I just wanted Jae to be happy.

He didn’t deserve the tears streaming down his cheeks, ruining the beautiful features on his face. That face deserved nothing less than a smile.

”No Jae, you’re perfect, you’re more than enough, please don’t ever think that,” No matter who takes him for granted and makes him feel worthless, I’ll make sure he knows he’s not.

”You’re the only person who thinks that,”

I kissed the top of his head and nuzzled my face in his soft hair, inhaling the faint vanilla scent of his shampoo.

”That’s not true... And I’m not letting you leave this room until you agree with me,”

I wiped his tears away with my hands. At that point, Jae’s cries have been reduced to sniffling. He snaked an arm around my waist and pulled me down with him, holding me tight until he fell asleep. For a moment, it was just the two of us again, inseparable and always having each other’s backs.

”Seems fine with me,” He mumbled one last time before fully closing his eyes.

As I watched his breathing slow down to a steady pace, mine quickened in turn. I tried to fall asleep as well to the gentle rhythm of his heart but mine was too restless. That entire afternoon, I just watched him sleep, hoping those few hours have brought him comfort in some way.

I knew what I'm feeling was wrong but seeing Jae hurt was even more so.

Or maybe it was that last spring we spent together before college, when I was helping him pack two days before we both left. Boxes were everywhere, clothes were strewn on the bed, and Jae's suitcase was laying open in the middle of the floor like a silent reminder that Jae was, in fact, leaving very soon.

“You’ll only be in Incheon, c’mon, I’m not moving to the other side of the globe, we can take the train and meet up when we’re free,” Jae looked up from behind some boxes where he’s packing away stuff he won’t bring. The room was brightly lit by the sun from the open windows, the cool spring breeze filling the air. I’ll surely miss this view when I leave.

”I’ll still miss you though,”

”Clingy,” I caught him smile to himself and I think that was the most my heart has ever fluttered in his presence.

For years I helplessly watched Jae go from one heartbreak to another. Sometimes even multiple times with the same person. And all those years, I was there beside him. A best friend, a shoulder to cry on, nothing more and nothing less. I can’t bear the thought of him alone when he needs someone and I won’t be there by his side. The thought kept plaguing my mind even in my sleep. Will he be okay? Will _we_ be okay?

”Are you really bringing all these? Your campus isn’t even that far from here,” Almost the entire bed was covered by Jae’s clothes and it was a headache to sort through. Good thing I already packed the day before because Jae really did need help.

”It's a bigger pain to sort through everything and deciding what to leave out,” Jae shrugged, busy securing some boxes with tape.

”Whatever, they're your clothes anyway,” I continued tucking his shirts into tight rolls until his favorite hoodie caught my eye. The soft and thick fabric felt like home. Felt like Jae.

”If you want it you can take it, I'm used to you taking my hoodies anyway,”

”Can't help it, they're comfy,” I sighed. It smells just like Jae. I hugged the hoodie close to my chest, trying to get used to the feeling of not having Jae around. It wasn’t easy.

It took almost all afternoon but we managed to finish packing everything. I almost didn’t want to, because it would mean the end of the spring break and our impending departure.

_No goodbyes._

That’s what we promised. And that afternoon, we pretended we didn’t have to go our separate ways. We went out to our favorite place even when the cherry blossoms were no longer in full bloom. The walk to the park was silent, like neither of us wanted to acknowledge that this would be our last day together in quite a long time. Going from not being apart for more than 3 days since we were kids to studying in different cities was not an easy feat.

“Pil,” Jae broke the silence first. “You forgot to give me something of yours, but you already have like half of the hoodies in my closet,”  
“But I’ve always had half the hoodies in your closet,”  
“Plus one more today,”

“You’re really planning to leave me cold, aren’t you,”

“I’ll give you my hoodies instead,”  
“Wow, thanks, as if those will fit me,” Whenever Jae laughs, I commit the sound to memory, not knowing when I can hear it in person again. “But seriously, I’m just happy you’re here with me now,”

“It’s getting pretty late though, are you sure you’re not seeing Sohee today?” It hurt to ask that but she’s his girlfriend after all. I should have known back then, remembering how salty her name felt on my tongue.

“Nah, I don’t like goodbyes,” He said after a pause. “And besides, she’s going out with her mom anyway, I don’t want to get in the way of that,” His lips turned into a tight line at the mention of her name. He kept saying it’s okay yet his eyes screamed something else.  
“You don’t like goodbyes yet here you are saying goodbye to me,”

“I’m not saying goodbye, we’re just hanging out,”

“Fine, if you say so,” Good, because I would have lost it if he started a whole farewell speech with me. “But ok, what do you want me to leave you?”

“Just this,”

Jae intertwined his fingers with mine and I wish he didn’t, because it only made me not want to let go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoever gets my The Maine reference in this chapter, I love you extra.

_ No goodbyes. _

I held on to those words. Clung to them for dear life. We stayed on the phone for the entirety of our respective journeys, with Jae being the first to hang up as he arrived at his dorm. I don’t think I’ve ever stared out the window of a moving vehicle for so long. The train kept moving underneath my feet but my heart was stuck in the same place. Back in Seoul with Jae.

Time felt the slowest when I got to my own dorm, opting to go alone since I only brought a minimal amount of things. The room wasn't very big, it was only enough to fit two single beds on opposite sides, with two desks and two closets arranged in such a way that both sides of the room mirror each other. 

I sighed in relief when I found out my roommate won’t be coming until tomorrow. I definitely wasn’t in the proper mental space to make small talk and meet someone new.

My hands felt heavy as I opened my bags. Every piece of clothing I pull out made me feel farther and farther from home. I wondered how Jae was doing. Has he met his new roommate? Has he finished unpacking his stuff? Has he eaten lunch? 

As promised, Jae did call me right after he finished unpacking. Of course nothing will change yet, it’s only been a few hours. Why am I being like this? 

“Jae, I’ve counted all the tiles in my room, I have exactly 223, if you combine the ones cut in half,” Yes, I have reached that level of boredom. Jae’s breathy laugh filled my ears and it’s like he never even left my side.

“Ok that’s seriously alarming, why don’t you go out? Check out some places to eat or something, go out for a walk, breathe, anything, jeez,” 

“Nah, I’m too tired,” I rolled over in bed and buried my face in the pillows.

“But you’re not too tired to count the tiles in your room,” 

“That didn’t even take a lot of effort, I just counted the tiles on two sides of the room and multiplied them,”    
“Hmm, well, looks like it, because if you counted them one by one you won’t be calling me right now,”

“I miss you already, that’s all,” 

“Hey, don’t be so sad, you know I-” Jae’s voice drifted off, his attention seemingly caught on something else. “Oh, I gotta go Pil, Sohee’s calling, talk to you later!”

The line cut off. 

Right. How stupid of me to think I was his first priority. I spent that first night staring at the ceiling, the sheets feeling extraordinarily cold despite the heating, willing the tears not to come. 

_ He’s not yours, Kim Wonpil. Get that shit inside your head.  _

The next morning was just as hard, if not harder. My stomach felt like hell from missing both lunch and dinner but I made no effort to get up. There were still clothes strewn at the foot of my bed from where I left off unpacking, because I dropped whatever I was doing when Jae called. Ah, Jae. I felt so dumb for feeling bad about him but I can’t help it. I missed him. Was it so wrong to miss my best friend? But that doesn't justify how hurt I was when he hung up the phone to answer Sohee's call.  _ I had no right to be.  _

I scanned my clothes already left out in the open for something to change into but stopped when I heard a knock on my door. How timely. Just when I looked and felt the worst, I opened the door to find my new roommate, all handsome and clean and wearing a pleasant smile. He has a strange mature aura that made him not feel like an incoming college freshman, despite his weird haircut with too-short bangs.

“Hi, you must be Wonpil?” Did I just forget how to speak in this stranger’s presence or is it just my brain’s refusal to work in the morning?

“Uh, yeah, you're my roommate?”  _ No, Pil, he’s the pizza delivery guy, no shit. _

“Sorry, I’m kinda early,”

“Nah it’s fine, come in, I just got here last night anyway,”

“Ah, so rude of me, I’m Jinyoung by the way,” He held out his hand and I took it, surprised at how warm and solid it was in mine. 

“N-nice to meet you… I’ll just… uhm.. go shower, make yourself comfortable,"

I really didn't mean to talk like he was a guest visiting my house. It hasn't even been three minutes that I've known this guy and I was already embarrassing myself. 

We’re lucky to have our own bathroom and shower instead of having just a shared one for the entire floor. I immediately darted to the shower after my first encounter with my new roommate, hoping the cold water will knock some sense into me. 

Well, it didn't. I came out of the shower to find no messages from Jae and my heart sunk into greater depths. No missed calls from him, no notifications, nothing. I threw my phone on the bed and let out a deep sigh, catching Jinyoung's attention. 

Fuck. What right did I have to be mad? I'm only his best friend. 

Jinyoung and I caught each other's eyes and I felt like I was pulled down to the ground. This guy must have already thought I was weird or creepy, no need to further the idea with a tantrum over Jae's lack of communication. I glanced at his side of the room and saw his things already halfway organized, a stark contrast to mine. Someone must have helped him move stuff. I heard the shuffling of feet and boxes being dragged and another unfamiliar voice earlier while I was in the shower. 

"Woah boy, you look like you could use some breakfast, wanna go out and look around?" 

"Sorry about that, my friend was just…" I sighed. There's no point explaining. "Ah nevermind, yeah let's go, I'm starving," 

I grabbed my jacket and tossed my phone on the bed. 

How is it possible that school hasn't even started yet I'm already exhausted? I realized how much of my morning was wasted when I stepped outside. The air was still chilly and transitioning from winter to spring. Normally, this would be Jae and I's favorite time to get ice cream. 

_ Jae again.  _

When will he stop invading my thoughts? 

I tried to focus on the buildings and storefronts we pass. After a 20-minute walk, we finally stopped by a cafe not too far from the dorm. 

"Look, they have brunch specials," 

My brain was too fried to think. If Jinyoung wanted pancakes and coffee, then we'll get pancakes and coffee. 

The cafe wasn't very busy yet since the semester hasn't officially begun. The noise was just a pleasant hum, and we got a table by the glass wall with a nice view of the street outside. 

"I hope you don't think I'm scary or intimidating, or a dumb and hot-tempered mess," I sheepishly started. That was probably the most words I've spoken in a row since last night. "I mean, I  _ am _ a mess, but not usually this bad," 

Jinyoung looked like he was scanning my face for a few seconds then smiled. Not that it makes me uncomfortable but his eyes look like they could stare into your soul. The kind of person you can never lie to. 

"I don't, and I get it, we're all a mess… We're young and under immense pressure and far away from home, it's normal," He paused for a moment like was gonna add something else but stopped. 

"is it normal to feel homesick in less than 24 hours? I don't know, I haven't even been away from home for longer than, like 3 days," I sighed. 

"Me neither… But we'll survive, don't worry," 

"How can you be so calm and collected at a time like this?" I wondered if I could ever be as level-headed as he is when the simple act of Jae dropping our call to talk to his girlfriend and not texting me good morning already threatened to ruin my day. 

"No use stressing out over things we can't control, some things we just have to live with," 

I jumped in my seat when the glowing hockey puck looking thingy on our table flashed blue light and vibrated, and Jinyoung offered to get our order from the counter. 

"Control what you can, confront what you can't," Before digging into his stack of choco chip pancakes, he dropped one more piece of wisdom. 

Are my feelings something I can control? Or something I need to confront? I'm nowhere near ready for either one. 

What I feared would be an awkward encounter ended up being so natural. We talked for hours, only to head home with takeout chicken because it was way past lunchtime. Our hometowns, what courses we'll be taking, hobbies and pastimes, everything we could possibly think of. Thank you, universe, for not pairing me with an asshole for an entire school year. As long as he won't use my toiletries without permission and steal my snacks, we'll be fine. 

For a moment I forgot about Jae. 

Or so I thought, until we got back to our room. Just as instinct dictates, I reached for my phone the moment I saw it. 

_ good morning pil :) _

_ hope you've had breakfast bitch _

_ still sleeping?? get yo ass up c'mon I miss you _

_ hung out with Brian today at lunch! we found this really good ramyun place near our dorm _

_ I'll take you there sometime, shit, even their side dishes are god tier _

_ oh Brian’s my new roommate btw _

_ kim wonpiiiiil wake up! _

He was texting me all morning. I was so prepared to sulk in bed for the rest of the day.

Somehow I'm relieved that Jae is making friends too. I'm not surprised since he's always been the friendlier and more outgoing one. It's not like I'm particularly shy or withdrawn nor did I make any effort to stay out of the popular circles, I have my fair share of friends too, but Jae has a more relaxed and comfortable vibe with him whereas people tend to find me intimidating when I'm really not. He's  _ the _ Mr. Congeniality who knew the entire school, I'm the one almost the entire school only knew as  _ Jae's friend. _

It took me a good 5 minutes to respond, the words swimming in my vision. Good thing Jinyoung was still busy buying drinks at the convenience store across the street. 

_ went out and left my phone at the dorm aaaaaaaaa sorry Jae :( _

_ I was with my new roommate, he moved in just this morning!  _

_ brb will just eat lunch, we ordered chicken :p spicy and soy!  _

_ and you better take me out for ramyun when I get back home!!  _

I sent the last text as soon as Jinyoung came through the door carrying a huge paper bag of drinks and snacks. 

"Sorry I took so long, I kinda hoarded," Jinyoung held up the bag of food with an apologetic smile. 

"Nah, that's OK," I laughed at how many bags of chips and cups of noodles he bought. Was he planning to not leave the dorm for days? "That reminds me, we should be stocking up on food and, well, everything else, I doubt we'll have time for that when classes start," 

"Let's go grocery shopping tomorrow," He bit off a piece of chicken wing. "When we finish unpacking? Or before?" 

"Before? Because good luck when I'll be done with that, it's just a huge suitcase and a duffel bag but it stresses me out," I gestured to the mess of clothes at the bed, still laying untouched. Meanwhile, Jinyoung had a few more boxes yet his side of the room still looked a lot cleaner than mine. "Though I do need to buy a lot of stuff I didn't get to bring," 

"After lunch, deal?" 

"Got it."


	3. Chapter 3

“I don’t fit in the cart anymore, this is so sad,” 

“Pil, you’re like almost my height, of course you won’t fit in there anymore,” Jinyoung laughed as I tried to climb the shopping cart, my legs threatening to topple it over.

“Any cart is big enough if you’re brave enough,” 

“Fine, here,” He steadied the cart against the wall with one foot and grabbed my arm, steadying it around his shoulders for support before pushing me up. It was a struggle at first but I managed to squeeze myself in. My legs were definitely longer than the last time I did this because I was so busy during senior year that I barely got to get out. 

“So how do we fit everything we’re gonna buy now?” 

“I’ll just hold them,” 

“And there’s security nearby, I think you need to get down now,”

“Ugh, killjoy,” I made a pouty face at him. “Wait, let me just-”

I took a short video for my Instagram stories while Jinyoung was pushing the cart, panning the camera to my face then the shelves and his face, then tagged him in the post. I kept refreshing to see who viewed it and Jae was the first one after just a minute. 

My heart can’t help but sink for a moment. Jae used to be the one helping me climb the cart and wheel it around proudly through the store until security asks me to get down. Snack hoarding used to be our weekly ritual, and now it’s Jinyoung and I’s routine. It’s only been a month since we left yet home already felt lightyears away. 

But still, with every shelf we passed, my mind automatically went to picking out the products Jae will like and won’t trigger his weird list of allergies. After all these years I knew each and every one of them like they were mine. 

“Pil, hey, you okay?” I snapped out of my thoughts at Jinyoung’s voice. “I was asking you if want more of these cookies, but you’ve been spaced out for like a minute now,”

“Oh… That... “ I chuckled uncomfortably. “Just thinking about… I don’t know... stuff,”

“Like what?”

“Fine… I just miss Jae, this used to be our weekly thing,”

“Ah, that bestfriend you told me about,”

“We used to go to grocery stores instead of convenience stores because they have more choices, Jae has a lot of weird allergies, and shopping has become some sort of stress reliever for us... And I rode the cart too,”

He nodded thoughtfully. “He’s lucky to have a best friend like you,” 

“Best friend…” That somehow didn’t leave a nice taste on my tongue. “I don’t know, I guess?"

I don’t know if Jinyoung noticed the hint of disappointment or bitterness in my voice but he gave me an apologetic and knowing look before turning back to the shelves. 

While waiting for our turn at the counter, I opened Instagram to find Jae’s stories with Brian, the two of them in front of their laptops and smiling at the camera. 

The first few months of freshman year was a blur of keeping up with classes and getting lost on campus until I eventually found my way around. I made more friends than I expected but none of them I’ve gotten close to the way I did with Jinyoung, and certainly no one anywhere near Jae. 

Maybe I didn’t feel the full impact yet but it does get hard at times. Some nights I found myself spacing out despite nearing deadlines, missing the nights Jae and I would slave away at our own desks while on a video call, not particularly talking or interacting but just having each other for accountability. It always helps to have a friend who will yell at you whenever your fingers itch to reach for your phone or click on a new tab to open YouTube. And well, aside from that, Jae’s presence was simply comforting. 

I watched Jae’s contact photo flash on my screen as I rung his number. It kept ringing and ringing until it went to voicemail.

I took a deep breath as I set my phone down on my nightstand. 

No, you're not crying tonight. You should be stronger than that. 

I ran to the bathroom to splash my face with cold water and started brushing my teeth. 

“You look like shit, and staring at the mirror with an unmoving toothbrush in your mouth isn't normal,” I didn’t realize Jinyoung was already in the room. “Is it Jae again? You always look like that whenever you look at your phone,”

“Stop exposing me,” I groaned and spit out some toothpaste suds. 

“Look, if you miss him, tell him,” Jinyoung grabbed his toothbrush so I made room for him beside me in front of the sink. 

“If I can even reach him,” The rain outside poured harder than earlier, drowning out my voice. “I was just calling him, it’s been getting harder and harder lately,”

“Did you two fight or something? Or had an uncomfortable conversation?”

I just shrugged. There really wasn't anything of that sort. I don't know what hurts more, losing a friend because of a big fight or gradually losing them without any reason at all? 

Aside from distance, that is. 

Goddamit Jae. We're not even that far apart. 

"I don't wanna be that clingy friend, OK? He has school, a girlfriend, and he's made other friends too, his world doesn't revolve around me," I don't know if I was telling this more to myself or to Jinyoung but saying it out loud was a huge reality check. 

His world doesn't revolve around me. 

Did he even miss me as much as I miss him? 

"Hey, don't worry about it too much, summer break is just around the corner," 

"Will he even have time for me when I get home?" I rolled my eyes and scrubbed a little too hard that I spit out some blood. 

"You're overthinking,"

"I'm not," 

"Is it his girlfriend that's bothering you?" Well, fuck. I almost choked on my toothbrush. 

"What? No, no, I-" 

"You cringe whenever she comes up in the conversation," 

I sighed and rinsed my mouth before I say anything I'll regret, though it's no use because Jinyoung is one of those people who can sense bullshit from miles away. 

"Well, you have him for the summer, don't let that chance slip away," He walked out with a tap on my shoulder. 

Chance for what? I have no chance with Jae. I've accepted that long ago. But that doesn't mean it hurt any less. 

"Someone's excited to go home," 

"Shut up, you are too," Three days before my trip home and I'm already packing. 

"Chill, you’re gonna see Jae in three days," 

"I'm seeing my family too Nyoung, my family," 

"Okaaay, if you say so," Jinyoung snickered. 

"Go pack for your own trip so you're not bugging me," I threw him one of his jackets he left at my bed when he went home so wasted and didn't know which bed was his. 

He eventually did leave me alone, packing his own bags because he'll be leaving a day earlier than me. 

I was expecting to be excited to go home for the summer break but there's a weight I couldn't get off my chest. Will Jae want to see me as much as I want to see him? I gave up on texting him first so now he hasn't texted me for an entire week. I don't even know if he knows when I'm coming home. 

Nevertheless, I messaged him that I'll be home in three days. 

Half an hour passed, no reply. As expected. 

Just as I was almost done stuffing the last of my clothes into my backpack, my phone ringing brought me back to earth. 

Jae. The name I was least expecting to pop up on my screen. I didn't care anymore how many times he ignored my calls. I picked it up right away with no questions. 

No sound aside from heavy breathing and sniffling on the other line.

"J-Jae? Hello? You okay?" 

Then more sniffling. 

"Pil, I-I don't know what to do," His voice doesn't sound like him. It's weak and hoarse, his words slurred almost beyond recognition. Is he drunk? He sure was crying though. 

Shit. I was shaking. I knew what that meant. He didn't have to say anything more. I wanted to run to him but the muffled voices on the other line had me glued to the phone. 

"Fucking hell Jae you scared us! What the fuck are you doing laying down on the sidewalk? Sungjin-hyung, help me here," 

"Wait he's on the phone with someone," 

"Give me his phone," 

"Hello? Wonpil? This is Wonpil, right?" The voice on the other line changed. Deeper, and a lot more sober. "It's Brian, Jae's roommate, sorry about the drunk call, he's had too much and we tried to stop him but he won't listen," 

"It's okay, uhm, will Jae be fine?" My hands were still trembling. Jae rarely gets like that and it breaks my heart that I won't be there to comfort him. 

"He's drunk and heartbroken and all but don't worry, we'll get him home safely," Brian reassured. 

"Please tell him to text me when he wakes up, please?" 

"I will, don't worry, we'll take care of him," I heard Brian pause and sigh deeply away from the phone. "You'll be home for the summer break right?" 

"Y-yeah, of course, I will," It's taking all my strength not to breakdown. "I was just about to leave,"

"Alright, that's great to hear, we'll take Jae home now OK? Good night!" Brian hung up first. 

Please, not now, can my heart please cooperate for once? 

I was met with Jinyoung's worried eyes the moment my head stopped spinning and I realized I was still in the room. 

"Shit, shit, I need to go, I have his address here somewhere, I-" I was clearly panicking. Jinyoung held me steady by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes.

"Woah, calm down, what happened? I just heard he was drunk calling you,"

"Jae," I really tried to stop my tears but they won't listen. "He needs me, I can't leave him like that, I just can't, fuck, I love him, I can't-" My eyes widened at the realization of what I just said out loud. 

"OK, OK, Pil, please, you have to calm down before you go, I know you're worried but you can't be properly there for him without a clear head," 

I nodded weakly and wiped my tears. Jae has always been a priority for me but this time it's different. All this time that I've been denying to myself what I felt for him but now I know I love him. More than a friend, more than a brother. I'm hopelessly in love and I'll be there for him in a heartbeat even if he can't do the same. 

"It's pretty late, I texted Jaebeom, we'll drive you to station," Jinyoung squeezed my hand reassuringly. "While we wait, I'll help you look up train times, okay?" 

"Thank you," My crying has mostly stopped. "And thank you for not judging my dumbness with this love thing,"

He laughed but eventually stopped, his eyes turning into a longing gaze as it settled on the conversation on his messaging app. 

“I’ve been there, I should know."


	4. Chapter 4

I know I’d do anything for Jae but I didn’t think it would include getting on a late night train back to Seoul because he called me crying. Crying while drunk as fuck. Though I’m sure he’s in good hands, I want to believe that, I still can’t help but worry. All these years we've always been around for each other during our worst days, and no literal and figurative distance can change that.

Who am I kidding though? I know I'd get on a fucking spaceship if it's for Jae. 

Is this their building? I looked around the unfamiliar streets and checked the directions Brian gave me again. I don’t know how he got my number but I don’t wanna think about it anymore. What matters is that it got me here.

I was indeed in the right building. Brian fetched me at the entrance, explained to the guard on duty who I was and why I should be let in, and led me to their floor. Somehow, even if I haven’t seen Jae yet, I already felt relieved. Just the thought of being in the same room as him again, breathing the same air, was enough to calm my heart a little bit.

“I’m gonna leave you guys here for now, I’ll crash at Sungjin’s place next door, call me if you need something, ok?”

I nodded at Brian weakly and hugged the hoodie I last took from Jae closer to my body as I settled down beside his bed. He seemed to look better than how he sounded earlier since Brian and Sungjin and their other friends took care of him before he went to sleep.

“You’re so dumb,” I whispered and rested my head against his pillow, reaching out to gently ruffle his hair now dyed a light blonde. I took a moment to drink in his features that I missed for a long time. His long lashes, his soft skin, his hair that's surprisingly still so soft after the multiple bleachings it must have took to get to that color. When I tried being blonde I just ended up with a horrible fried mess on my head and Jae spent a good few days making fun of it. 

Where did everything go wrong? I didn’t want to think things have changed but they definitely did. It hung thick in the air and I could feel it even through the distance like a heavy cloud threatening to unleash a storm on us. 

I wondered if I would be able to sleep that night knowing he's so close. It wasn't like before when we would just randomly sleep over each other's houses, just being young and dumb and free from responsilbilities and complicated feelings, and the only things we worried about were how to build that treehouse in their backyard and learning how to ride our bikes. I wish we could go back to that.

Jae stirred in his sleep when the mattress dipped with my weight. I was so restless while he was so peaceful, like he has no recollection of his mess earlier.

"Bri…" Even though his voice was barely above a whisper, I almost jumped from the bed at his voice. "Briii... Oh there you are,"

I froze at his arm draping around my waist and his face nuzzling in the crook of my neck. My heart sank and I didn't want to entertain the thought but is this how they usually are? This close? 

"Bri, I fucked up," Jae's words are slurred and his voice is strained but I understood him very well. He's my best friend after all, I've heard him talk while crying, while drunk, while throwing up, everything. "I drunk called him, I-I said I won't, he'll be so worried but, fuck, I miss him, I just wanted to hear his voice," 

My heart raced at his every word. Was itjust the exhaustion and lack of sleep? Was everything I'm hearing real? Is this how hallucinations feel like?

"She… Sohee… She's such an asshole… Girls ain't shit man, why can't I have Pil instead?" A couple of sniffles followed, his arm tightening its grip on my waist. "No time for me,r eally? I've always made time for her! And Pil! He always had time for me!"

Shit, Pil, calm the fuck down, he's just sleeptalking. 

"U-hm… Maybe you can? Like, you can tell him you want him?" I tried to make my voice sound as steady as possible but I don't think it's working.

"Fuck, as if he'll see me like that, we're bestfriends," He laughed bitterly, still sounding very much drunk, complete with hiccups and all. the sound muffled his face pressed up against my shoulder. "But hey… He wouldn't ever hurt me like this…"

He didn't speak anymore after that. We stayed like that until morning and as much I wanted to run out of there as fast as I can, I didn't have the heart to leave. It felt so wrong to hear all those thoughts out loud when they weren't for me to hear. Even though what he said was about me, it felt like I was intruding on something and I just saw part of his soul I wasn't meant to see. Or at least not yet.

Though my head and my heart hurt so much from the night's events, I tried my hardest to fall asleep, letting the steady rhythm of his breathing lull me to a deep slumber.

When I woke up, the sunlight was beating down harshly on our bodies still intertwined like the moment I closed my eyes. So it wasn't a dream. But maybe to Jae, it was. I reluctantly broke free from his hold and resisted admiring the contours of his face outlined by the morning light. He's not mine to witness like that, and I don't know if he'll ever be.

It would be better if I'm not the first one he sees when he opens his eyes.

Though unfamiliar, I rummaged through the bathroom to freshen up and properly stop to think about Jae's words. Was he just drunk? I really shouldn't be this worked up over drunk confessions from a heartbroken guy but my heart tells me otherwise.

Like I summoned him to reality, Jae appeared by the doorway, a confused yet alarmed look written all over his face upon seeing me.

"Pil? Holy shit, I didn't know you were here!" Jae exclaimed and hugged me from behind when the initial shock wore off, pulling me closer by the waist. I don't think I'll ever feel his touches the same now.

Well I didn't know I'll be here either. I'm just as surprised as you are.

I shrugged and tried to look nonchalant. "Just wanted to surprise you,"

Even if we spent the night holding each other, it was worlds away compared to right now when he's fully awake and conscious, fully aware that it's Kim Wonpil he's holding, and not Brian or anyone else. 

"Congratulations then, you're successful," I could still smell the faint scent of his favorite shampoo as he leaned closer to me to reach his toothbrush on the shelf above the sink. "Fuck, my head hurts, what did I do last night?"

There's no way I could just tell him everything he said last night, both on the phone and while he was sleeptalking thinking I was Brian. Do any of those still hold true now that he's sober? Though I'm not sure about the part where he said he'd rather have me, I know for a fact he's still hurt. I continued brushing my teeth, unable to look him in the eye. 

"I said some really dumb shit, didn't I?" He laughed but his eyes said something else.

"Uhm, not really, you were already passed out when I got here,"

I'm pretty sure by now that he doesn't remember anything. I couldn't help but laugh at my luck. I just had the guy I've loved for so long pour his heart out about how he felt about me, only to not remember any of it the next day.

"Pil, really, what did I do?" 

"Nothing unusual from your normal drunk self, don't worry,"

"That's exactly what I'm worried about,"

"Anyway, spill," Jae instantly looked so defeated. "I know you don't get that wasted unless something really shitty happened,"

He looked like he was going to speak, but hesitated and backed off. 

"Look, I know we haven't been talking for a while now, and that's something for another conversation, but you can still tell me anything, I hope you don't forget that,"

"Can we at least not have this conversation in the bathroom?" Jae let out a breathy and uncomfortable laugh. "And not on an empty stomach too,"

"Uhm... Yeah…. Right…" What the fuck am I being so flustered about? It's like I'm not used to having Jae in such close proximity anymore. Which is dumb because we practically grew up together, and even showering together isn't new to us. 

What we thought was a good time for breakfast ended up being lunch. He did take me to that ramyun place he told me about when he first moved in. I followed him silently to a table at the far end, and we waited for our orders before I started talking.

"So… What happened?" Nothing will happen if I'll just wait for him to speak up. When we were younger, yes, that would have been possible, but things are different now no matter how much we don't want to admit.

"We broke up, I guess that's it," Jae shrugged like it was nothing. 

"Oh… ok… I'm just worried because last night…" I trailed off, not knowing where to start since I had no idea how much Jae actually remembers.

"Yeah I know, I called you," He laughed, lightly kicking my chair from under the table. "And don't worry, I let it all out, I'll be fine, you worry about me too much,"

"How am I not going to worry when you're so far away and you don't call anymore," I can't help the sigh that escaped my lips because all this time I thought we've already started to ruin what we have. 

"Sorry for being an ass distancing myself without warning, I just didn't want to drag you into my stress," He looked down and fiddled with his hands. "You of all people deserved to know all about everything I was going through," 

"It's okay, if you feel better now then that's what matters," 

We exchanged smiles, but are we truly okay now? Are we back to normal? I had no idea. I don't even know what normal is to us anymore. We were talking and laughing as we finished our meals, but after hearing everything I heard the previous night, I don't know if my heart will ever truly be at ease. 

Looks like this break will be spent walking on eggshells, and every move and every word could either make or break us. 

**Author's Note:**

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